Motivation

Everyone goes through times where it's hard to get out of bed and do what you need to do to pay the bills.  I've had those times for the past six months.  I wake up and don't want to do the same thing as i did the day before.  I look at the clock and think just one more hour and i'll be ready to go.  Ready to go hasn't happened and i'm still waiting for it.

I'm 39 years old now and almost over the hill.  It's all downhill from here and all that jazz.  I look at myself in the mirror and wonder where the time went.  Seems like just yesterday i was shooting hoops and scheming to get liquor and weed.  Now i'm wondering how long the cable bill will wait till it gets shut off, and if the car will make it to work on what little gas i have in it. 

Tonight thinking about everything i just said i realized that it's not the everyday same shit different day bullshit, it's what you do to get out of it.  It doesn't even matter if you do ever get out of that mindset but working towards getting out of it does matter a lot. 

Last month i finally achieved a goal i set for myself almost 6 years ago.  Through doubt and issues that made me think i would never achieve it i worked.  Through waiting and not being able to study when i needed or wanted to i still worked.  Through my boss telling me i don't have as much to do as everyone else, i worked.  I achieved what i worked for.

I realized tonight that working hard to achieve a goal isn't a reward but motivation to achieve the next one.  To keep working towards getting out of Custodian hell and into being comfortable.  I don't even want to be rich anymore i just want to be comfortable.  Having the bills paid and the money to give the kids and my wife whatever they need is all i want.  I'm willing and able to work towards that goal and i'll keep working towards it till it happens and then i'll work some more.

Life

Well today has been very humbling.  I failed a certification test that i needed to pass for my own confidence and also got a call that i didn't receive a job that i thought i had a good chance to get.  These two things along with financial issues put me in a bad place for about 12 hours and then i realized i have a family and i am the man of the house and need to man up and realize hey take the damn test again and ace the fucker.  Apply to a different place and get the job and do it better than anyone at my current place of employment ever thought of doing it. 

Then i realized all of that was going to be hard and a lot of work.  You see i have been the most motivated and hard working person the last 4 years and now i am just tired.  I have to fight through it and realize that this rough patch is just gods way of saying hey you've got a long way to go don't stop now and keep going.  I thought about quitting my College classes and now decided nah that's not going to happen. 

The reward will be worth it in the end and even though i feel jumbled i'll be able to concentrate on detailed learning later on down the road.  have a good night all and keep working towards your dreams they wouldn't be dreams if they were easy.